What's so bad about bad self esteem?

I'm reposting this from a blog that is now defunct. It was posted about a year ago.

I was listening to a segment on NPR today titled "51% - The Women's Perspective," in which a group of new-age feminists discussed the problem of negative body image in America and contributing factors. The conversation focused primarily on anorexia and bulimia, punctuated with brief comments about obesity and emotional eating. As usual, the target of this discussion was none other than the usual suspect: American Culture vis-a-vis the media. The conclusion of these forums tends to be the same: we are thin because the media tells us to be thin, and we are fat because we over eat to compensate for our lack of self esteem as a result of those same media images.

This debate was happening even before my formative years, so I wonder why we haven't gotten in right by now. Moreover, I wonder if there is really anything wrong with our body image, and whether the problem stems more from our obsessive nature and inability to moderate. If there is any problem with American Culture, it is that we are more comfortable with extremes than the median. Limiting our food intake is only part of the problem. How much are we limiting the affect we let the media have on us? When do we just say "no" to the Twinkies AND the television, and say yes to a lifestyle dictated not by what we see, but our own personal health situations and feelings about our bodies?

Personally, I do not see a problem with a society that values trimness over adiposity. If one believes that culture is a venue through which we are able to execute biological necessities (among other things), it is understandable that we favor images of thinness. If the fattest among us tend to die younger from excessive weight-induced illnesses, does it not stand to reason that we will value the opposite trend? Close to two-thirds of our nation's population is obese. Programs like "51%" would have you believe that we are a nation of anorexic media-philes, pasting pictures of Calista Flockhart to our refrigerators. I believe that we are a nation too afraid to look in the mirror, that would instead jump to one extreme or another to avoid being responsible, normal human beings.

The solution? If I had one, I would surely write a book like some of the loudmouth women on "51%."

Sorry, I'm only kind of here right now

There are only a few moments in my day when I'm 100% available to the next person or thing that grabs my attention. For the most part, I'm either in the middle of working, pondering something I've been working on, absorbed in whatever music I'm listening to, or distracted by a personal issue. It is rare to get all of me at any given moment. I would argue that the same is true of many of us, and yet we still have a mindset that we should be available even when we're not.

Case in point: today while I was in the ladies room, I heard the phone of the person in the stall next to me ring. It rang about two times before she picked it up and said "Hello? Who is this? Oh hi! You could not have caught me at a worse time. I'm in the bathroom. Let me call you right back!" Why on earth did she answer her phone in the first place? We've developed these really advanced technologies called "voicemail" and "caller ID" that allow us to not only see who called us while we were busy, but figure out if we want to talk to them in the first place! It's brilliant!

The worst offenders are the people I call (I work in telesales) who pick up, ask who is calling, and say "You've caught me at a really bad time. I'm in a meeting right now!" First of all, either you're lying to me or you're extremely rude. I have a hard time believing that you would bother answering a call while you're in the middle of an important meeting, never mind that you would do so in front of your colleagues, or run out of the room to answer a call from an unknown number.

Do we think others will judge us if we don't make an attempt to be receptive at all times? I wonder. What are your thoughts, readers?

The Ultimate Appraiser

An old boss of mine once told me "perception is reality." This was in a meeting during which she laid out how poorly I was doing at my job, and how her hope for my future in the position was dire. That was one of many meetings in which I was told that I wasn't good enough that changed the way I view the working world and my place in it. Although ranked among the harder periods of my life thus far, that statement was one of the most important things she could have said to me.

Perception is reality. Well, if that is true, in reality I was not meeting deadlines on time. I was using my time inefficiently. I was wasting my coworkers' time with questions that had already been answered and with fixing work that I had done improperly. My work was poor quality. My writing skills were lacking. I did not advise students properly. I did not belong in my position.

If I juxtapose my reality with my boss's perception of reality, then there are some areas that certainly overlap. But in my reality, I did not feel as though I had the knowledge and skill set necessary to do my job successfully. My coworkers were hostile towards me and did not give me thorough answers, which required me to ask seemingly the same question over and over. I was creative and was good at doing creative things, but those were not the things my boss wanted me spending the most time on. I was depressed, confused, and feeling a huge pang of regret. But I still wanted the position. I wanted to feel like I was good enough. I wanted desperately to wake up one morning and know all the things I needed to know to do well in that job. And ultimately, I failed. But at least I failed on my own terms (I quit, whew!). After I left, they hired someone with years more experience than me, and I believe the department is better off for it.

But what of my self worth? If it were left to my old boss and coworkers to decide, based on their perception of me, how much do you suppose I'd be valued at? Not very much. Granted, their perception doesn't really matter anymore now that our two realities no longer interact, but I still took some very valuable lessons away from the experience.

I am the ultimate appraiser. I am the one who has to assess my value and live up to it. At the same time, I must acknowledge and change my "output" to shape the perception of those around me to fit my own definition of myself. Sometimes "just being yourself" is not enough to achieve this. If I have a diamond to sell, and I show it to you, and say nothing and hope that the diamond speaks for itself, you may think it's cubic zirconia and refuse to give me a fair price for it. I could also try to convince you that it is anything but cubic zirconia, but you may not believe me, and it doesn't matter what my perceived value is at that point. You won't buy it for the price I think it's valued for. But if I can present it in such a way that helps you see and understand the value that I know, then I am successful.

And so, I continue to strive to present that value to the world. And I hope someday the way I present myself will match the way I see myself.

What's in a blog?

This whole blogging thing is really daunting, isn't it? I sit here and I think of clever ways to portray my thoughts and ideas. Perhaps if I put in a double dose of SAT words, or maybe if I find some piece of information from the remote depths of the internet universe, you all will grace me with your traffic once a week (or, if I'm lucky, once a month). I assume people blog as a way to release stress, so I will not make this into a stressful thing.

If I have a thought or something I'd like to talk about, I'll post it. It may not be written in the most articulate prose, but I will try to get my point across. And it shall be glorious.